A Peek in the Kitchen: Boy Wonder runs Critically Acclaimed Restaurant

Regardless of the fact that this kid eerily reminds me of one of my ex-boyfriends, he still fascinates the guts out of me.  He’s 21, shy as all hell, and fucking brilliant.  I was only in Kingston, Ontario once and he was 16 at the time (oh my, I hear someone at the door.  Oh, hello, no worries, it’s just my midlife crisis).  If I ever head back I’m definitely going to pop into Luke’s Gastronomy.

Just a warning, if you’re the type of person who likes to ignore that some of your food has a face, it’s probably not a good idea to watch the following video in which Chef Luke prepares tete du cochon.  If it makes you feel better, the pig looks like he’s happy– smiling even.  I, on the other hand, am the type of person who sees a pig and ponders over the quickest way to get him into my belly. Om nom nom….

If you can’t be fresh to death… Looking to the experts and getting back to basics

I come from a pretty small town where we don’t so much have a grocery store as a funeral home where costumers can come to pay their respects to deceased produce. About once a month I’ll head home to visit Papa Pete and after a couple of days of trying to collect enough to keep myself sustained and scurvy-free makes me feel as though I would do well to run off to the Ituri Rain Forest and join a hunter-gatherer tribe. By the time I have perused all the aisles of our local Sobey’s I’ll have accidentally smooshed tomatoes, fondled wilted leafies, and have scoured every container of yogurt in an effort to find one that hasn’t grown a gorgeous fur coat.  At the end of my shopping adventures I’ll usually have a cart full of dusty cans, some boxes of cereal that look like they could have ads for the Jackson 5 on the back, and a carton of milk that, according to the expiration date, has to be drank… well, yesterday.  If you think I am joking, I can assure you, I am not.  I once found an avocado that wasn’t rotten and hid it under my jacket until I got to the check out in fear that someone would try to wrestle the little green gem away from me.  If it’s hard to get a meal together in this town, it’s damn-near impossible to make a good one.  Trying to work with what is available, it’s been my experience that:

Canned/frozen vegetables= mooshy, tasteless messes
A lot of pre-made frozen meals= salty as the dickens
Frozen fruit= often bitter and squishy
Your basic, everyday, easily findable produce= boring.

But, after a few days of soup and crackers I looked for help from my fav chefs in order to make edible meal using only frozen foods and basic, easily findable stuff.  I did my best to make lemonade out of lemons…. Actually, how about orange-juice out of oranges, I don’t think I can find a lemon.  Here’s my meal:

Recipe #1: Fabio Viviani’s Roast Chicken
Why:  There’s no other reason why I initially chose this recipe except that it seemed easy and Chef Fabio’s hotness makes me weak in the old knees.
Necessary Adjustments:

  •  I wasn’t joking when I said I couldn’t find a lemon.  I used an orange.
  • I couldn’t find fresh garlic, sage, or thyme.  So, in a bowl I mixed a teaspoon of garlic powder and a tablespoon and a half of poultry seasoning.  Instead of just pouring the powder mixture into the chicken, I rolled the orange slices in it so it would have something to stick to and season the whole bird from the inside out rather than just the bottom.
  • When coating the chicken in oil I added some butter.  Who needs arteries, am I right?

Here’s a before and after look at my bird:


I’m not going to lie, it was probably the tastiest chicken I’ve ever had.  Notice Papa Pete’s hand in there?  The man couldn’t even wait until I was done taking pictures.  I’m not really tooting my own horn as it’s not my own recipe, but I’ll toot Chef Fabios horn any day of the week- ow OW!

Recipe #2: Martha Stewart’s Risotto
Why: Everyone loves risotto.  Never had risotto?  Welcome to the most comforting food in the world (aside from mac and cheese, of course).  Oh, you have had it?  Well, please, come to my house, we’ll have a risotto party and live like fucking GODS.
My adjustments:

  • I used a mixture of yellow onion and garlic powder instead of shallots.  As I’m sure you guessed shallots were MIA within a 100 km radius.
  • I skipped the parsley

Lastly, I literally threw together the last dish
Recipe #3: Nigella Lawson’s Green Beans and Lemon
Why:  I had 1/3 of a plate to fill up and I had some frozen green beans in my fridge.  I wanted to use them in something where their natural mooshiness would be welcome.
My adjustments:

  • I used frozen beans.
  • Again, no lemons to be seen, however, I did find one of those little plastic bottles of lemon juice which did just fine.  I also added some little bits of orange to give some texture.

Verdict: Over all, it was delicious, it was filling, the whole thing took less than an hour, and was pretty damn cheap.  It was an elegant and simple meal which I shoved into my face like I was a beast who might never see food again.  Now that I’m back to the city I’m considering sending Papa Pete a lemon… I wonder if he knows what it looks like.

Nobody Puts Straw-Baby in the Corner!

In this crazy world filled with havoc and bedlam, there are not always many consistencies in one’s life.  The span of one short day can turn any situation on its head, but in this “misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms” there are a few things that I’ve learned to depend on:

1.  Put your tattoos in places you don’t see everyday, that way you won’t get sick of them.

2.  Honesty and kindness might seem like the greatest traits you can possess but if you’re creative and charming you can weasel yourself out of any situation.

3.  It doesn’t matter how down and out she seems, Madonna will come out with a new album and it will be amazing.

4.  McDonald’s drive-through will fuck you over at any chance they can– See The Bitchionary for The Bottomless Burger.

5.   Learn to master a piping bag and you can take over the world.

Don’t know what a piping bag is?  It’s this majigger.   Basically it’s a beauty-izer.  Because, realistically, you can spend all day make a scrumptious meal, dessert, or pastry but no one will want to eat it if it looks like a steaming mound of crap. 

I usually like to take a cue from Ms. Cardigan’s father (still don’t know who Ms. Cardigan is?  Check out the Bitchionary) who taught us to drop a piping bag bomb on our twice-baked potatoes but I was recently invited to a baby shower so I thought I would take one of my grown-up tasties and tweak it enough to make more of a “family-fun-for-everyone” type deal.  So here goes:

We’re all familiar with the infamous chocolate covered strawberry.  A staple at valentine’s day, it’s a delectable little treat that has become so entwined with ideas of rolling in the hay that it sadly hasn’t gotten a chance to break into the world of G-rated snacks. 

What you’ll need:
– White Chocolate Chips (or yogurt chips if you can find them.  In fact if you can find them, can you let me know?  For some reason I could only discover websites that would let me buy them in 20 pound quanitities… also the pet store sells them as rat treats but that is clearly not an option).
– Milk chocolate chips
– Strawberries (Cleaned, with stems left on)
– Blue or pink food colouring
-Piping bag (if you don’t feel like buying a fancy-dancy one, just snip off a small corner of a zip lock baggie)
-Waxed paper
-Toothpicks

Melt yo’ white chocolate chips in a bowl over a steaming pot of water.  You can melt directly in the bowl but if you’re anything like myself you get distracted by shiny objects and have a tendency to let things burn. 

Dip strawberries into the melted chocolate.  I like to use a toothpick as a sort of support beam as I’ve found that using the stem as a dipping apparatus usually means having to dive face and eyes into a scalding pot of chocolate in order to fish out one sad, stemless piece of fruit.  (P.S. Sorry there are no actual pictures, I was covered in sticky chocolate at crunch-time and didn’t have my camera on me.)

Photo Source: dippedfruit.com

Set strawberry down on waxed paper.  Repeat this for the remainder of your berries and pop into the fridge to chill out and get stiff (was that meant to be dirty?  We’ll never know, will we?)  Again, I have no pics of my strawbabies hanging out in the fridge, but here are some tuxedo ones I made a few weeks before:

Just for the record, that is not my Coors Light in the background-- Ick.

Once your strawberries are good and hard take some excess melted chocolate and add a couple drops of blue or pink food colouring (or yellow or green, whatevs, I’m not trying to stuff your kid into a societally designated gender role, pft).  Fill up your piping bag with your chocolate and drop tiny beads in a circlular shape on the front of your strawberry, giving it a tiny hat-thingy that youngsters are forced into.  Then add a little bow. 

Melt a small amount of milk chocolate (seeing as it’s a couple spoonfuls, you can just nuke it rather than wash another pot) and add little sleepy eyes and noses.

Voila, you’ve got strawbabies!  Quick and dirty– just the way your mom likes it.  Whomp, whomp.

Song of the Day:

D.I.Wine: Cork the Excuses and Get Down to Business

After  a little vacation, I figured it’s time to get Crafty Bitch back on the go.  So, as my return-from-hiatus craft I wanted to make something that was not only fun and pretty but something with a lot of umph.  So, I made a short list of my favorite things: 1. Makin’ shit,  2.  Reading, and 3. Being a lush.  So the logical conclusion is to make alcohol, which sounds incredibly hard, but if you can read (see number 2) you can do it.

So, I set out into the interweby to see if venturing into the wine making world was for me.  But for some reason the only things I could find were frou-frou blogs and posts from sniffle-y wine snobs which used words that I had only ever heard on Fraiser. So I veered headlong and without any sort of preparation into the wine-making world, but I knew that my love of booze would triumph over my tendencies to let my interests wane and a general lack of determination with these sorts of things.  Most people pick up hobbies that are intended to better oneself, but most people (myself included) begin to make wine so the world just gets a little bit drunker—that, my little meatballs, is a true hobby worthy of my time and effort.

With a little help from Santa Clause I came into possession of a beginners wine making kit from Brewery Lane (which, you might remember, is the store that provided me with the fizzy for my fizzy bath bombs).  This is a neat and compact little kit that has almost everything you need for making vino.  The most important thing is that you read your instructions carefully, as well as take a little cue from one of my favorite books and “Don’t Panic”.

Know your Shit
Juice- This is what becomes delicious, delicious booze.

Packets- they’re filled with stuff that do things that I don’t care to figure out (stabilizers, clarifiers, junk like that).

Plastic Carboy- A lot of my amateur wine-making pal-ios have turned up their noses at me when I say I’ve got a plastic carboy instead of a glass one.  The big thing I’ve been hearing is that there’s a greater risk of oxygen diffusion.  To these Debbie Downers I say, “Well, that’s just impossible because I don’t know what that means.”

Auto-Siphon-  This is a nifty little piece of equipment that helps you transfer your wine from one vessel to the other.  When I first heard of a siphon I, classy lady that I am, thought of pilfering gas out of a car—and that’s pretty much the kind of tool it is, which is convenient if I you up creating a gasoline substitute instead of wine.  It’s not as unlikely as you might think.

Sanitizers- To keep the germies out.

Two very impressive pieces of equipment that are called “Spoon” and “Bucket“.   Anything you can make in a bucket has got the Crafty Bitch stamp of approval.

Ye olde buckette, and ye olde spoone.

Making it Happen
Basically, and there is some variation to this process, you read the instructions and then follow them.  That’s about it.  Even the complex instructions are easy– they’re usually something like put this here, stir, now put it here, stir, stir some more, etc.  I know you’re thinking, “But what if I’ve never made wine before, and I bought all the stuff separately and I don’t have instructions?”  Well, to that I would say, “Go get your money back and buy a kit.”  I’m of the school that believes that you’ve got to learn how to fry up a grilled cheese before you conquer coq au vin.   Anyway, the basic instructions go something like this:

1. Sanitize everything by following the instructions on your sanitizing powder.
2. Put your juice in the bucket followed by water and any other little extras that your instructions say to add (which are clearly labeled, thank Jesus).
3. Stir
4. Wait two weeks
5. Tranfer juice into the carboy using the auto-siphen.
6.  Wait four weeks

This is what you stare at longingly for four weeks.

7.  Transfer wine into wine bottles
8.  Add all the little finishing bells and whistles.  I got some black seals from Brewery Lane (do I love them because of the great customer service, or the adorable pun-name?  Who knows, who cares).  Then I ordered some labels online that cost way too much and are taking too long to get here, before I realized I can get them locally at a place called Brew Craft.  I made them myself with my trusty MS Paint:

 

Hurry up, Mother effer, so I can slap you on my bottles.

There were moments when I felt like a backwoods moonshiner, because, clearly, the very technical fermentation process doesn’t work unless you are barefoot and stirring like a butter-churning fiend.   I also listened to some Bill Monroe and Soggy Bottom Boys to keep in the spirit while getting my churn on.

Just in case you're wondering, no, I'm not a Quasimodo, I'm a sloucher, it comes with the territory of being too hip for posture.

I found making wine was a lot like making bread– people say it’s hard but it’s mostly a lot of waiting around.  Then you present it to your friends and family with a smug look on your face that says, “I created this tiny delicious miracle out of raw materials and a dream, what did you do with your afternoon?”  This is a super fun hobby that involves very little thinking, in fact, you’ll probably even kill quite a few brain cells.  Plus, it’s extremely rewarding (and I mean actually rewarding, not rewarding-by-obligation, like earning a degree, or volunteering).  And if you find it’s something that you’re actually interested in,  you can, you know, start to use your brain and actually learn the ins and outs of it.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some lovely winos who would like shower heaps of praise upon me.  That’s code for “I’m breaking out Buster the Big Glass tonight”.

Song of the Day:

“Cake Bitch” or “The Bachelorette Party sans Man-Bits”

So, if you’ve been a keener on my blog you’ll remember that my friend Katie got hitched recently. So, many of you know, doing the bridesmaid’s shuffle includes more than walking down the aisle with your little bouquet of fleurs. It can be hard friggin’ work. Without even factoring in the tasks of holding the bride’s hair back as she heaves or trying to get her hard earned 50 dollar bills BACK from the undulating, male stripper, there are many steps involved in making sure that the bride’s last hurrah doesn’t turn into a snooze-fest.  The one relief I had came from the only request Katie had for her bachelorette party: Please, no peens.

What I thought of as comfort later became a bit of a pickle (pun always intended).  I realized man-bits are usually the go-to for every bachlorette and without that template, I can tell you now that we had a little bit of a stressful day trying to gather a booze assortment, buy/apply decorations, bedazzle t-shirts, whip up tasty delights, and plan activities. When my fellow bridesmaid and best friend, Ms. Cardigan, dropped her rum in the driveway and ended up crying hysterically while splayed out on the asphalt (I had to convince passer-bys that she wasn’t severely alcoholic), I realized that man-bits really are the easy out for a stagette.  But, staying true to the bride’s wish (and because she has been such an accommodating bride, who really didn’t ask for much) I wanted to do something special for her.  So we trekked on with our penis-less party and after a hung-over morning filled with Cake Boss marathons (you know you’ve been there), I figured a cake would be a a pretty surprise that lacks genitalia of any sort.   So, I’ve decided to share with you some of my amateur fondant creations so you can DIY the guts out of your bachelorette party (and it beats the hell out of paying someone else to do it).

The Cake for Katie:

Fondant is just like Play-Doh for grown-ups, so just think about it as making many shapes and gluing them together (with water, not glue, because if you really are a grown-up you know that eating paste is for the weird kids). So here’s how to do it…

Easy as Pie… er… Cake
Make your cake.  You’re going to spend a fair amount of time on fondant, so I would recommend a mix from a box.  We don’t want to twiddle our lives away on measuring flour and other such foolishness.  I opted for a Betty Crocker French Vanilla.  The size and shape of your cake is up to you.  I wanted to do a triple layer because I wanted an excuse to use my teeny tiny pan.  After I had made the individual cakes and they had set enough that they weren’t doing all that steaming and crumbling business, I cut each one in half and filled it with a generous heaping of Nutella and sliced strawberries.  Then I put it back together and “dirty iced” the bottom layer (thanks for the vocab lesson, Cake Boss!).

The Fondant:
Fondant is a pretty easy thing to work with, but it looks scary.  Buy a big tub of it (got mine at the Bulk Barn) and say over and over to yourself “Do not be scared, this is just a cake.  It’s only a baked good, I’m not performing open heart surgery”.  Use your kitchen table (clean clean clean), with a nice little layer of flour.  Knead in enough colour to make it vibrant, I choose flamingo pink, and roll it out with a floured rolling pin.  When you think it’s big enough, throw it up over your cake.  Mind you, the dirty icing will make it stick so make sure it’s positioned well before you set it down.  Now, a lot of fancy, shmancy cake makers have a steamer that make for seamless fondant edges, however, I refuse to bust the bank for something I’ll only break out for holidays and special occasions, so I made some folds around the top corner using the natural sway of the fondant (kind of like how a tablecloth has natural folds when on a round table).

(BTW, check out my sick MS Paint skills.)

Add a band of  fondant to cover the untidy fondant edges at the bottom of each cake layer.

Pump it Up
Fondant shoes are super cute, iconically girly, and easy to make in a few simple steps.  You’ll need gum paste for these.  I used Wilton’s Ready to Use stuff.

First, mix in your colour.  And flatten ‘er out with a floured rolling pin.

Cut out the shape of a shoe-sole…

And the toe of it.  You can gauge the size of the toe by tracing the tip of the sole and making it just a teensy bit wider.


And assemble using water as glue.  Lean it on a piece of thick-ish paper so it’s got some slope to it and use a ball of plastic wrap to keep the toe rounded.  Make a little stump out of the gum.  Add as a heel.

Pop it in the fridge until it’s hardened (once it’s stiffened a little bit easier to work on- that’s what she said).  Add gum paste ribbons or bows.  “But, Crafty Bitch,” you say, “How will I ever make a bow?!”  Well, my darlings, I will tell you!

Tying the Knot
Bows are super-duper simple and look elegant .  They’re a little delicate so don’t Hulk-smash it onto your cake, but once you make a couple, you quickly get the hang of it.

Cut two “flower-petal” shapes out of flattened fondant (or gum paste, whatevs).

Fold each petal around a pen (wash the pen first, you filthy minxes).

When you’ve got two of these little pieces, stick the points together with a little water.  Cut out a tiny rectangle of fondant to wrap around the centre of the bow, hiding the stuck-together-bit.

Cut out some slightly larger rectangles and attach like an upside down “V” to the main bow part.  Cut tiny triangles out of  the bottom of these rectangles, and, voila, you’re fit to be tied.

Shaken, not stirred
A party for dirty girls isn’t complete without a few dirty martinis.  So I decided to stick some on the cake. For the olives, roll some green fondant into a ball, add a little red dot.  Shove a toothpick through it and place on your cake.  Voila!

For the martini glasses, use black fondant.  Roll it out on a floured surface. Using a knife, cut out some triangles, then cut smaller triangles out from the inside of your big triangle.  Add a stem of flattened fondant and use your small triangle for the base of the glass.  Throw in a tiny green ball for a mini-olive.  You should get something like this:
(BEHOLD the power of MS Paint).

The End
Arrange your tiny fondant pieces around your cake at your preference.  And if you’re wondering how tour party went: we stayed true to our word, there was not a twig-‘n’-berries to be seen.  However, I must admit, I thought pretty hard about serving the cake on these napkins:


Song of the Day:

Naughty and Spice Hot Chocolate

My most favouritest day in the whole wide world is coming up.  The craftiness of it all is mind boggling!  From creative costumes to deadly décor, it’s the kind of stuff that can make a Crafty Bitch’s knees go all wobbly.  I really wanted to make some Halloweenish treats leading up to the big day, so I do what every good Crafty Bitch does: head to the nearest drug store, stack up on crafty magazines, pop open a bottle of cheap champagne (the cheapness is imperative to the process) and get to work.  So I’m diving into twenty billion magazines and I’m seeing all these amazing looking foods and all I can think is, “Wow, this stuff looks awesome”.  But scanning through a lot of ingredients made me think twice.  I mean, if you dip a hot dog in cream cheese and wrap cold fettuccini around it, it sure looks like a mummy.  But here’s the rub, my little poppets: who the frig wants to eat cold pasta wrapped around a hot dog.  I understand the creativity is there, but, well, yuck.  So, I’m going to do my darnedest to come up with some Crafty Kitch originals.

As I seem to do with most of my posts, I’ll give you a little insight into my life:
When I was 14, I saw the movie Chocolat and decided I was going to open my own chocolaterie (I know, I’m impressionable, I spent one summer trying to learn sign language because of an episode of “Little house on the Prairie”).  Then when I hit about 18 I got too big for my britches and thought that becoming a lawyer would be a much more sensible, stable, and overall impressive career.  Then I went away to university and all of the essays, exams and what not made me realize what I really want to be when I grew up:  a professional alcohol sampler.  Until that career takes off, however, I’ve found myself reverting back to my childhood and dreaming of making sumptuous confections for the whole world.  One thing I can’t resist is a nice cup off hot chocolate.  Powdered shit makes me wanna ralph though so I’m going to send out my recipe with a slight, autumn-y alteration.

Ingredients:
1 cup half and half cream (use whole milk if you want to be less of a fatty)
1 cup of water (you may need a little more depending on taste)
1 ½ -2 table spoons of pumpkin puree (buy a big can, it’ll give you an excuse to make and eat a pie later)
2 tbsps of vanilla extract (I used a vanilla bean cause I had one around the house)
7-10 tbsps of milk chocolate chips
1 tbsp of pumpkin spice
Your preference of whipped cream.

Step Uno:
If you have whipped cream that has to be whipped up, do it.  You’re going to want it to be set so you can spoon beautiful little pillow-y clouds upon your little mug of happiness.  I like to use Dream Whip because it reminds me of my mom’s angel food cakes and you have to make a whole pack so the rest can be eaten while crying and watching Grey’s Anatomy.

Step Dos:
On a fairly low head set your cream, water and vanilla bean or extract in a sauce pan and stir until it just barely starts to boil.  If you’re using da bean, make sure you slice it in half and let all it’s beany goodness out into your mixture. Let your milk mixture barely boil until it’s good and heated, then use a fork to extract your vanilla bean.
Or fish the sucker out with your fingers if you’re lazy.

Step Tres:
Add pumpkin puree and stir until it’s all melded together to be at least somewhat of a uniform substance.  Then add your chocolate chips one spoonful at a time.  Wait until each spoonful melts before adding the next, and it’s best to give a good taste after each one, starting when you hit number 7.  It might not look like a lot of chocolate at first but you don’t want to give yourself the diabetes.
Step Cuatro:
Add pumpkin spice.  I usually stick to a tablespoon but again, you may want to taste and add more.  Pumpkin spice, like craftiness, makes me go weak in the old knee-knobs.

Step Cinco:
Pour into mugs (this recipe makes about four servings).  Adorn your tiny liquid creation with a generous dollop of whipped cream and enjoy while basking in the genius of your culinary skills.
I like to read comic books while drinking my hot treat because I’m super cool.

Get Stuffed with ‘shrooms

For some reason mushrooms just scream fall-harvesty-goodness to me.  Now, here’s the weird thing about me and button shrooms– I love them when they’re raw, like in salads, but I hate them when they’re cooked.  Maybe I’m doing it wrong but, to me, they’re a bit of a weird texture.  So, I figured I’d try my darnedest to make a cold stuffed mushroom that could do double time as an elegant tasty.  Just a little appey to wet your appey-tite.

Ingredients:

20 button mushrooms (or more, or less, whatevs)
4 slices of bacon
1 sprig of green onion, finely chopped
3 tbsps of walnuts, finely chopped
½ cup of Whipped Philadelphia Cream Cheese

Some people just run their mushrooms under the facet for a few seconds to get them clean, but if you’ve ever watched the mushroom episode of “How it’s Made” you’ll know that a lot commercially sold mushrooms are grown in mountainous piles of horse shit-compost. And I know, I know, it’s clean, and pasteurized, and boiled at fifty-million-thousand degrees Celsius — if it’s grown in shit, I’m scrubbin’ it.  I like to give mine a firm buffing with a nail brush, bought specially for my spuds and such.

After you’ve gotten them gleaming just pop off their stems.  Just push them to the side a little and haul it out.  This is my favorite part.  There’s nothing really special about it, it’s just pleasurable—like scratching lottery tickets.

Chop bacon into little bits and cook on a low heat until crispy and delicious smelling.

Blot bacon with a paper towel so it’s not greasy as the dickens.  Let it cool for a few minutes and fold into the cream cheese.  “Fold” is the operative word here, because if you stir you’ll destroy the airiness of the cream cheese. Likewise fold in the green onion and walnut bits.  I like to add a few spices to the cream cheese, like a sprinkle of Mrs. Dash, but if you don’t dig Dash, then that’s cool too.

You may want to pop the cream cheese mixture into the fridge for a little bit if it’s gone a bit runny, but if alls well that spoons well then plop little dollops into the mushroom caps.

I have a waste-not-want-not attitude so when I make this recipe, I sometimes make a salad to accompany it, that way I’m not throwing away perfectly good mushroom stumps.  Or, if you’re planning on not jam-packing your mushroom caps, do a little foodie arts-and-crafts and stick the stumps back on.  Pop in the fridge and serve when your guests are too ravenous to wait any longer.  Most people dig this recipe because it has the three tastiest food groups: bacon, cream cheese, and Mrs. Dash.

You can’t hear me right now but I’m making a noise that goes something like this: gargle gargle mmmm gargle.