Get Stuffed with ‘shrooms

For some reason mushrooms just scream fall-harvesty-goodness to me.  Now, here’s the weird thing about me and button shrooms– I love them when they’re raw, like in salads, but I hate them when they’re cooked.  Maybe I’m doing it wrong but, to me, they’re a bit of a weird texture.  So, I figured I’d try my darnedest to make a cold stuffed mushroom that could do double time as an elegant tasty.  Just a little appey to wet your appey-tite.


20 button mushrooms (or more, or less, whatevs)
4 slices of bacon
1 sprig of green onion, finely chopped
3 tbsps of walnuts, finely chopped
½ cup of Whipped Philadelphia Cream Cheese

Some people just run their mushrooms under the facet for a few seconds to get them clean, but if you’ve ever watched the mushroom episode of “How it’s Made” you’ll know that a lot commercially sold mushrooms are grown in mountainous piles of horse shit-compost. And I know, I know, it’s clean, and pasteurized, and boiled at fifty-million-thousand degrees Celsius — if it’s grown in shit, I’m scrubbin’ it.  I like to give mine a firm buffing with a nail brush, bought specially for my spuds and such.

After you’ve gotten them gleaming just pop off their stems.  Just push them to the side a little and haul it out.  This is my favorite part.  There’s nothing really special about it, it’s just pleasurable—like scratching lottery tickets.

Chop bacon into little bits and cook on a low heat until crispy and delicious smelling.

Blot bacon with a paper towel so it’s not greasy as the dickens.  Let it cool for a few minutes and fold into the cream cheese.  “Fold” is the operative word here, because if you stir you’ll destroy the airiness of the cream cheese. Likewise fold in the green onion and walnut bits.  I like to add a few spices to the cream cheese, like a sprinkle of Mrs. Dash, but if you don’t dig Dash, then that’s cool too.

You may want to pop the cream cheese mixture into the fridge for a little bit if it’s gone a bit runny, but if alls well that spoons well then plop little dollops into the mushroom caps.

I have a waste-not-want-not attitude so when I make this recipe, I sometimes make a salad to accompany it, that way I’m not throwing away perfectly good mushroom stumps.  Or, if you’re planning on not jam-packing your mushroom caps, do a little foodie arts-and-crafts and stick the stumps back on.  Pop in the fridge and serve when your guests are too ravenous to wait any longer.  Most people dig this recipe because it has the three tastiest food groups: bacon, cream cheese, and Mrs. Dash.

You can’t hear me right now but I’m making a noise that goes something like this: gargle gargle mmmm gargle.