1. Put your tattoos in places you don’t see everyday, that way you won’t get sick of them.
2. Honesty and kindness might seem like the greatest traits you can possess but if you’re creative and charming you can weasel yourself out of any situation.
3. It doesn’t matter how down and out she seems, Madonna will come out with a new album and it will be amazing.
4. McDonald’s drive-through will fuck you over at any chance they can– See The Bitchionary for The Bottomless Burger.
5. Learn to master a piping bag and you can take over the world.
Don’t know what a piping bag is? It’s this majigger. Basically it’s a beauty-izer. Because, realistically, you can spend all day make a scrumptious meal, dessert, or pastry but no one will want to eat it if it looks like a steaming mound of crap.
I usually like to take a cue from Ms. Cardigan’s father (still don’t know who Ms. Cardigan is? Check out the Bitchionary) who taught us to drop a piping bag bomb on our twice-baked potatoes but I was recently invited to a baby shower so I thought I would take one of my grown-up tasties and tweak it enough to make more of a “family-fun-for-everyone” type deal. So here goes:
We’re all familiar with the infamous chocolate covered strawberry. A staple at valentine’s day, it’s a delectable little treat that has become so entwined with ideas of rolling in the hay that it sadly hasn’t gotten a chance to break into the world of G-rated snacks.
What you’ll need:
– White Chocolate Chips (or yogurt chips if you can find them. In fact if you can find them, can you let me know? For some reason I could only discover websites that would let me buy them in 20 pound quanitities… also the pet store sells them as rat treats but that is clearly not an option).
– Milk chocolate chips
– Strawberries (Cleaned, with stems left on)
– Blue or pink food colouring
-Piping bag (if you don’t feel like buying a fancy-dancy one, just snip off a small corner of a zip lock baggie)
Melt yo’ white chocolate chips in a bowl over a steaming pot of water. You can melt directly in the bowl but if you’re anything like myself you get distracted by shiny objects and have a tendency to let things burn.
Dip strawberries into the melted chocolate. I like to use a toothpick as a sort of support beam as I’ve found that using the stem as a dipping apparatus usually means having to dive face and eyes into a scalding pot of chocolate in order to fish out one sad, stemless piece of fruit. (P.S. Sorry there are no actual pictures, I was covered in sticky chocolate at crunch-time and didn’t have my camera on me.)
Set strawberry down on waxed paper. Repeat this for the remainder of your berries and pop into the fridge to chill out and get stiff (was that meant to be dirty? We’ll never know, will we?) Again, I have no pics of my strawbabies hanging out in the fridge, but here are some tuxedo ones I made a few weeks before:
Once your strawberries are good and hard take some excess melted chocolate and add a couple drops of blue or pink food colouring (or yellow or green, whatevs, I’m not trying to stuff your kid into a societally designated gender role, pft). Fill up your piping bag with your chocolate and drop tiny beads in a circlular shape on the front of your strawberry, giving it a tiny hat-thingy that youngsters are forced into. Then add a little bow.
Melt a small amount of milk chocolate (seeing as it’s a couple spoonfuls, you can just nuke it rather than wash another pot) and add little sleepy eyes and noses.
Voila, you’ve got strawbabies! Quick and dirty– just the way your mom likes it. Whomp, whomp.
Song of the Day: